Lately we've been quite absent in the blog but that doesn't mean we stopped loving each other, that doesn't mean our lives aren't fun and hectic...it's just we've been quite busy with all of that, and now we're back to tell you all about it.
I have to admit, my life's been quite a mess (and not all bad, I'm just not prepared for all this shit) in every single possible way, after that terrible depression from December (don't get me wrong, I'm not depressive, I only had this one terrible month at the end of last year).
I started college (finally) this year, and concerning this topic, I had some cold feet in the middle of the semester about the major I'd chosen.
But warming up into the important topic here, I'm gonna start from the beginning: we met last year at a close mutual friend's arty and we only spoke a couple of times because he lives quite away. We started speaking around Jan and hit it off right away, he liked me, and the fact that he was so wrong and unavailable for me, made him so desirable to me...despite that he was not that attractive, I starting liking him and wanting all about him after 3 months speaking...and Spring break was coming, and we were about to meet. Long story short, he told me he was seeing someone, truth is, I was seeing someone too, here in my city. We saw each other, and for the first time in my life I felt so many things at the same time.
It's true about me, that I'm kind of a guy when it comes to feelings and relationships, as my friends say...I'm a little jerk about it, I find it hard to trust and hard to love someone that way.
Previously, and correct me if I'm wrong, or if that post was deleted, but you know I made some mistakes last year, when it comes to guys...speaking more specifically, I behaved a little with the morals of a guy...if you know what I mean...
Okay, so getting back in track, I felt I didn't care about anything, I wanted to do whatever I wanted, no matter the consequences and no matter what my heart and mind told me: it was all wrong, and the price, I had to pay with guilt and hardness in heart. I wanted all of him so bad, and I couldn't understand why; I wanted him to remember me, have something from me, that even if it was easy for him to get from other women, I wanted to give to him, and to have me as a good reference about it.
I know my attributes, I feel better looking and I know that I was the one he wanted to be with...but the coldness in his heart only expressed how he could only think one minute at a time, and that speaking and skypeing with me every day for three months, meant nothing from one day to another.
I thought I was tough and could handle all of it, but when he left, it was exactly like Gotye's song, he was just somebody that I USED to know...or at least the little part he showed me, and I liked...I tried so many new things, I learned new things, and experienced so many new stuff...(don't get me wrong, not everything I say has to do with sex)...even if I confess that I am kind of like a guy about it...I think about sex almost all the time....jajaja
Well, I thought everything wouldn't matter when he left because I had someone here...but when things got tense and that thing I had with this other guy made me realize how consuming that was, I couldn't stop thinking of him, and how bad I wanted him...because I couldn't make him mine, not even when he was here...but I felt happy when we were together, that was the only moment I didn't feel wasted, and I like those memories, and I cherish them, because that's all I'm gonna have.
The thing with the guy here didn't work, and I started weighing opportunities other guys, and the ones I had friend-zoned so bad...how much I deserved guys like them...but I didn't want to do it only for the heck of not being alone...
So here I am, finally ending this semester, still having some second thoughts, and well....we still speak to each other, I have to admit I'm in great terms with all of those guys...friends and...well...whatever you want to call the other two...I wanted to see him again, and the only thing that made my feet come back to the ground, was the fact that he told me some cold truth, and I loved that, I loved that so much, that even if the rest of my life is full of other complicated stuff, he makes me tougher, and better in some awesome way...I love that.
I'm not sorry for this long post, it makes me feel relieved. I AM sorry that I'm not gonna post some of those hipster/emo/kinda-weird pictures, I just don't like them...maybe one day I find some cool pictures worth posting here from my behalf...and I know you'll enjoy them.
The desire is not going anywhere, but I'm still here, and I'm glad I feel that way, because it makes me human. There's nothing wrong with how you feel, because they are your feelings, no one can judge them, they are simply yours.
Happily trying to make this easier to get written, and to be responsible,
lots of love
-Me :)
